Here are Charles and Frances standing beside the only grocery store in the community of Porter New Mexico. Apparently, granpa (Elmer Jackson) owned and they made their living running it before they borrowed the money and bought their farm.

Charles did have a rough life, apparently he actually liked sister Nedra and used to talk to her. A story he did tell her was about something that happened before his birth.

His mon whose name was Birdie, was a very capable and strong-willed woman. She had no milk of human kindness from the stories I heard and a memory during my days’  of therapy.

I did hear talk during the many Jackson family gatherings where the women would cook and talk about family. Elmer was crazy about Birdie and he courted her and one time, trying to impress her he told her that he had busted a bronc. Her reply to that was, “so what I’ve busted two”. A hard young girl to impress, but he persisted and won her heart. That’s assuming she had a heart. I think he may have been a rather good person, but always followed her lead.

As she had been out and about the community and was near delivery time, she was standing up in a wagon and whipping her team of horse’s. The wagon hit something and the wagon flew up in the air. She was thrown out of the wagon and one of the back wheels ran over her midriff. How a fetus could survive that, I do not know. I do know there is much wickedness in this world and satan does what little he is able to do to protect his own.

He also told her that as a young child he overheard his mom and dad talking about what she had gotten all of the children for that Christmas. Elmer ask what she had gotten Charles, as she had said nothing about his gifts. He heard her say “I didn’t get him anything, he doesn’t matter”. What a terrible thing for a child to hear his mother say.

Frances had also told her that grandad had cried when told Frances that she had given Charles the only happiness he had ever known. He and Birdie had never treated Charles good.


GOD,Yahava, Jehovah, is great

Growing up with one parent (paternal) Charles whose ancestry was embedded with the custom of worshiping satan was most unfortunate. That’s putting it mildly, to say the least.

Charles never loved anyone but himself. As his daughter, he took me to the sadistic practice of a quite large group during their satanic rituals, while I was still a toddler. I suppose the idea was that starting that young he could ingrain their values into my mind.

I am here to testify that that cannot happen in the life of one who has always loved God since the first world age. The degradation of my early childhood continued until I left that farm for good. It was a difficult life. God is so good, His grace is sufficient. He lives in all of those who know and love Him as well as those who may have forgotten that they have known and loved Him. Someday they will know.

I learned from Dr. Singer that when you cannot cope with is going on around you and monstrous things are done to your physical body, your mind can (and mine always did) goe into a fugue. This is a pathological state of altered consciousness in which a person may act and wander around as though conscious, but her behavior is not directed by her complete normal personality and is not remembered after the fugue ends.

This is how I lived my life. Wow this is tiring.

to be continued


Frances Jackson

Frances always had to be the top of any class she ever took.

After graduation, she went to Oklahoma and enrolled in a nurse’s training at a large hospital there. She even had a girlfriend! I suppose she had other friends in that community.

I had always seen her as a cold woman who worked, canning and preserving much food that was very tasty. We did eat well as the farm grew and had milk cows, later beef cattle, hog’s, chicken, eggs. All of the usual stuff.

I did not until a grown woman know that when she would make me lay down for a nap she used that time to read stories to my brother, David who was four years older than me. I had too much energy and was always busy exploring the farm to be made to lay down. I only remember this part of my life in a single memory, but the woman herself was only someone who dealt out punishment to me. She did make me pretty clothes for me. She had an average pretty little girl, whom she thought was beautiful. Oh my, what she put me through.

Rebellion was not allowed. Not for me anyway. My younger sister was allowed that. She was a real cutie and was six years younger than me. Nedra has that photographic mind that Charles had.

Frances never stopped loving Charles. He had died in 1981. He apparently thought he had a mark whom he left Farmington New Mexico with on a bus. several women living in the senior village saw them leave. His nearly nude body was found in the swollen Rio Grand river down at Albuquerque.

Frances was working as a nurse in Martinez California when Charles died. She had married Gordan Zimmer and he was a great husband. They traveled by train to Canda and saw much of our great country also.on their honeymoon. They took cruises and had a great time. She tried to deny that she had a good life with a good man.

Maybe because she had a rough life with Charles. She always told me that no one had as rough a child as she had. She had serious breathing problems that began with a childhood illness, at a time when there were no antibiotics. She also talked often about an aunt who had told her that she was an ugly child.

There’s more to this story that concerns the abuse I suffered, but I do not have the heart to go into that bit of my grandmothers attempt to downplay my situation in protecting Frances. When I witnessed what she had done for forty years it broke something in me. She was suddenly just an old woman. No longer my much-loved grandmother.

Later when I told Dr.Singer what I had witnessed he simply did not believe such a thing could have happened.But it did. My staunch friend, Reba also could not believe it. Blow upon blow. I suppose their dis-belief was understandable.

When we kids were all grown and gone from the farm she had to leave because he would in all likely hood kill her and as she put it “Then what would happen to him!” So she came to California where the Wallin parents and sisters all lived.

For many years I was there when she had surgery, etc. etc. But every time David came from Texas to see Frances and Nedra it was an unspoken rule that while they visited all the family I was not welcome to be with them. I always knew my place in that I did not exist as a person and was unwelcome.

Just another dysfunctional family.





Here are David and I in the yard of our Wallin grandparents home in Walnut Creek California.  January 1947, I spent that fall in California, with my grandparents. why was I there at that time? I think my great and kind God gave that time of peace for my mental health and growth.

The family came out and took me back to that farm. It was a respite from the cruelty of life on that farm, a time when I tasted the goodness of being with people who were functional, what we call good people. Christan people.

I do remember being in a classroom of children my age. I felt like a duck out of water. They were learning and quoting bible scriptures. Grandmother let me stay with her during bible class while being criticized for doing so. She spoiled all members of her family, even me. Although I discovered when I was forty two years old that she had known about Charles’s abuse of me. He had known there was nothing she could do about it, but that was when I lost my grandmother. An experience perhaps for another blog, perhaps not.

I have always remembered a few of the events of my childhood. Not many, but a few.

As I was out about one day on the farm, entertaining myself, I happened to notice Frances and David, outside together doing something. I was drawn to go and see what was going on. Now, I had been well trained and knew I was never to interfere upon their time together. Curiosity did get the better of me, and off I went.

David had a rifle and was showing Frances how well he could hit a target. As I stood behind them, they were looking for a target, I piped up and said, ” shoot the sunflower off of the stem”.  They turned angerly back toward me. David shoved the rifle at me and said, “you do it”.Of course, it was an impossible shot. the sunflowers grew wild and were beautiful small flowers sat upon tiny stems that moved at the hint of a breeze.

I did not know what to do with the rifle, never having seen one before, much less held one. They were gracious enough to show me how to line up the stem in the sight. So I lined up the gun site with the sunflower stem and pulled the trigger. My God whom I adore is so good to his children, because to everyone’s amazement, the flower flew off the stem. That made them even angrier. The rifle was snatched out of my hands and as they turned their backs on me, as usual, I no longer existed.

Off I went to spend my time alone, gratefully not with Charles, But on my own to enjoy my imagination, playing in the beautiful New Mexico sunshine. I was happy as I enjoyed the many interesting areas a child could explore the wilderness of that farm.

In the photo, David is on the far right, as far away from me as he could get. I thought he had set the stars in heaven and ignored, if I ever noticed, how he loathed me.

That was life on the farm.


a cats tale

Hi! I’m Ebony. It is so exciting to go on another vacation, of course mom and Michael go with me. He does the driving while mom and I chill. I love vacation food, that is what little I get of the restaurant food.

We traveled for a long time on this trip and finally stopped at Coleen’s house. I love Coleen. Not that man she calls Ray so much. He’s is always telling Coleen that he fears “Ebony is going to kill stinky”.

Now I ask you, do I look like a cat killer. They call stinky “trouble”. I do agree with that. I tried to play with all three of those animals. Two of them just jumped up onto the sofa, but stinky fussed up and hissed at me. She does that every time I get near her. I have to stay away from her, well mom makes me stay away from her. I may not hear well or see too good (darn these cataracts). Mom keeps me on a leash or pined in that little bedroom we all sleep in. I mean me and mom and Michael). We had, what mom told Coleen was a mexican standoff, whatever that means.

A cats point of view:

I was glad to see my mommas mom again, but I cannot believe she brought a dog into my house!!! How dare she do that!! Well, I showed that dog a thing or two! So there! The little beast was walking past my sofa and as she went past the sofa, she was just underneath me (I bet you thought cats do not know such big words). I just reached out my paw and thumped her on her head!!! Boy did that get a reaction out of her! I wish you could have seen it! She could not see me so high up, but she was looking all around for me.

Then the next day, my mom (Coleen) was so upset, sweet Ray kept telling her he feared Ebony was going to kill me Me! As if she could. Coleen came into the living room and took that dogs leash and dragged Ebony by the neck. Hee, hee hee. I loved it. Her mom did not like it so much, she was speachless.

Finally the day came! They all left my house> Happy days are here again!

This has been a cats tale



Roderick Garrett

I would like for you to stop and think about who you are and what you may have lost sight of. 

You went to church with me and did learn about our creator, and the wondrous love HE has for those he created. I know you were never fond of reading HIS word, but you did listen to HIS word being taught. DO you remember working in Alaska? How you could not say a prayer with peace in your heart? How tortured you were?

Take time to connect with GOD for your soul’s sake.

GOD has prompted me to write this to you or I would not be doing it. 


Kids say the darnest things

Many of us grew up watching  Art Linkletter on a television by this same name. He was so good with children, they really opened up to them.

While in church one Sunday morning as we were listening to the sermon, I had noticed a raven haired woman sitting in the pew in front of my family and me. She was quite interesting in appearance. her hair was long and attractively messy. This was in the early nineteen sixty’s and in most of the nation messy was not “in”. Add to that, she was endowed with a natrualy long and rather crooked nose.

Of course, if I had been struck by her appearance, so was my three-year-old daughter had also noticed it. In doing so, she turned to me and pointed out that there was a witch sitting in front of us, unfortunately, loud enough to be heard by this lady. She just turned to see Coleen, with a little smile.

I was greatly relieved that the lady was not hurt or offended when over-hearing  Coleens comment. Although I did wonder if her appearance had been exgerated by the lady, in order to promote curiosity.

Kids do say the darnest things.


Schnauzers do not get black & white

I so enjoyed working with people while selling real estate. This couple were one of my favorite. After showing them “re-sales” I showed them new homes.

It was always necessary to add thing’s to a contract, such as if home is not completed on time for move in date, the builder will pay for them an motel until they can move in. If you have dealt with some lenders and some loan companies you are aware some do not perform according to the contract and people who have a home they have sold and have to move into the new on the move in date can be left in the lurch.

We became very well acquainted while I spent some time contacting the builder, actually the contractor, who left several things unfinished. It took several times of contacting him to get it all done. It was rather like pulling teeth.

I sometimes took my little Archie with me. We got quite a kick out of his incredulas attitude at seeing black people for, apparently the first time. He could not believe his eyes and stared quite impolitely.

What do you do when it’s a dog?

This reminds me of a incident with Coleen when she was just three year’s old. I must write about that sometime.

This has been a doggie tale.